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Free Grub

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    Free Grub

    More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.
    -John Kenneth Galbraith

    Yeah? Tell that to someone who lives on our salaries. We're so broke, the
    bum down the street gives us change.
    Thank the Grease God for 99-cent menus or we'd be as translucent as Calvin
    Klein models.
    But, if there's one thing to be learned on our journey through
    PovertyVille, there is free food to be found. It ain't always pretty, but
    neither is Spam and look how far that's come. Help is finally here in the
    quest to scam free sustenance, but first you have to eat a healthy appetizer of pride.
    Some of these methods are - how to put it? - demeaning and dehumanizing.
    A small price to pay for not paying a price. You can wail about how pathetic
    you are - on a full stomach.

    Soup Kitchens:
    There are plenty of soup kitchens and food banks around, andthey don't usually turn people away. Granted, you'll be stealing food fromthe truly needy and will thus surely rot in hell, but with any luck that'll happen waaaaay after dinner.

    Rig Your Dish:
    A bit underhanded.
    Some people will tell you dead bugs or broken glass is the way to go,
    and who's to argue? One particularly innovative chap used to slip
    unwrapped condoms into his mostlv-eaten burgers. Now that's chutzpah:

    Befriend people with it. Y-e-s, these people are going through
    their own private hell, and they do suffer from a serious disorder. But they
    also seem to enjoy watching other people eat. So you'd be helping 'em out.
    Kinda. Sorta. (Note: This suggestion is also likely to ensure you a hot
    seat in hell.)

    Art Openings:
    Wine and cheese, anyone?
    Yes, thank you. (You don't go for the ridiculously priced "art;' do

    Fruit Trees:
    Hel-lo! This is Florida, duh: You can't swing a dead fruit fly
    without hitting an orange tree. Start collecting the citrus in every yard
    you come across and say goodbye to colds.

    Happy Hour:
    These days it's hard to find a bar that doesn't foist
    artery-busting appetizers on you during happy hour. 
    Buy a single drink and chow down or, if you're truly smooth, grab the
    first empty glass you see to affect a "paying customer" look.

    The Fonzie:
    Ever notice how the Fonz always shows up at the Cunningham's
    right at dinnertime? Most people eat dinner around 6 p.m., and even if
    you're the last person they want to see at that moment, chances are
    they're not savvy enough to turn you away gracefully.

    Dumpster Diving:
    Under the "Absolutely Desperate" category: Start by getting to
    know the habits of your favorite restaurants. The goal is to nab a sack of
    food immediately after it's been dumped. Wait too long to indulge in
    Dumpster delicacies and your next meal could come from the local Hospital

    Free Samples:
    Everyone loves grocery stores; especially all the latest
    foodstuffs you can sample while there. Grocery chains are good for quantity,
    but seek out specialty markets and vegetarian stores if you're looking for
    quality. Note: Delis will let you sample a slice of pretty much anything in
    the case. Hint hint.

    Plenty of people have it, so feel free to capitalize on it.
    Order a pizza at 8 p.m. on a Friday, with plenty of explicit instructions:
    pepperoni on one half, sausage and onions on half the remaining half,
    pineapple on two slices and extra sauce on the whole thing. In the grand
    tradition of pizza joints, when your pie arrives, we guarantee it'll be all
    screwed up. Pitch a fit, Consume free pizza.

    Party Crashing:
    Wedding receptions and bar mitzvahs. To ensure your
    place in the chow line, befriend the guest of honor's distant relatives,
    who're also just there for the food.

    The Workplace:
    Don't you hate coworkers who take up all the fridge space with
    their leftovers? Don't you think it's your responsibility to teach them a
    lesson by eating their lovingly prepared lunch? You even get some free Tupperware out of the deal.
    Been there. Done that. Can't remember.

    Don't forget Food Stamps, which are a good source of aid in times of impoverishment. Won't feed you all you need but can get you some of what you need.
    Bags: Latest: Pop Tote and Shop Bag (large) ; also have a Co-Pilot, Super Ego (w/cork seatbelt); Aeronaut; Medium Cafe Bag; Large Cafe Bag; Brain Cell; Shop Bag small, (Steel); Packing Cube Shoulder Bag. Accessories: Oh yeah, bunches.
    Sadly Lost to Hazmat: An Imago in Steel/Cork & MCB in Linen/Olive.
    " ...all [that] you have to depend on is yourself and your luggage." - The Luggage Salesman (Joe Versus the Volcano)