A situation with a former friend

[ladyinblack1964]

Hi, folks. I just want to run this by the board and see what you think.

Many years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I had a pen pal I'll call C. She was English and I am American. I visited her three times in England. She and her family were very kind to me--they put me up on my first trip to London, she let me stay with her in her shared house on my second and found a guesthouse for me on my third.

On my third visit, I behaved very badly (short story: Alcohol was involved and I flirted with her boyfriend). When I got home, I had a letter from her asking me not to write to her again.

I have never forgotten her and I wish we could be friends again. After looking for her on the internet for a while, I recently had a brainstorm and remembered the BF's last name. And I found her--they are married with children.

I wrote to her on Facebook apologizing, and sent her a friend request a couple of weeks ago. Now, on FB, I know if you're not friends w/someone, your private message goes into an "Other Folder," and if she is anything like me, she never checks that folder. As for the friend request, she may not recognize my name (I used to go by a shortened version of my 1st name, plus my middle name, and while I still retain my maiden name, I am also married with yet another new name). She may not even remember me, for all I know.

So...assuming she is not ignoring me, I want to make one more try at contacting her. My options are:

1. Her LinkedIn profile has an email address, so I can email her at that.
2. She has a Twitter account. I can "follow" her and PM her there. I just realized that Twitter has PMs. I don't often use it.
3. She has an Instagram account. See #2.

I hope I don't sound stalker-ish. It would mean a lot to me if she forgave me, and as I said, I would love to be friends again, if that's possible.

What do you think?

Thanks for listening.

[luvdabags]

I say try again for contacting her, but pick one route (so you don't seem like a psycho!) and then be prepared to be ignored. Could be that she didn't see the first note, and might be willing to forgive if given the chance. I think it is worth saying what is in your heart if it feels important to you. Good luck!

[marytattoo]

Twitter will send her a message via text and/or email. I'd do that and then let it go and trust it's the way it should be.

[ladyinblack1964]

I can't seem to PM her on Twitter. It's not letting me do it. So I'm thinking I will try the email address I saw on LinkedIn.

Thank you!

[Aeon]

You can try again, like luvdabgas suggests, but I would focus on moving forward, not looking back. You made a very bad decision -- we all do! -- and I think you should forgive yourself for your past mistake. Sometimes life giving us a swift kick in the butt is what we need to change something about ourselves. So: maybe you losing this particular friend in the way that you did has made you a better friend to others in your life.

I also say this because let's play it out the other way: what if she contacts you back and has not forgiven you, resents that you have encroached rather rudely in her life again? How would you feel if she doesn't even want to entertain the thought of friendship with you? Be prepared to let this part of your past go. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt or you don't have regrets, but you've said your peace to her and have hopefully made peace with yourself.

[marytattoo]

I can't seem to PM her on Twitter. It's not letting me do it. So I'm thinking I will try the email address I saw on LinkedIn.

Thank you!

If you just tweet her using "@"username, she should get it.

[sturbridge]

I'd lean towards leaving it alone, as it sounds like you're wanting to connect just to make your guilt go away. If she wasn't married to the guy you flirted with, I might try one more time, but not in this case. Nothing good can come of this, you can be assured she hasn't forgotten the incident.

[Bijouxandbeads]

I strongly agree with Sturbridge. People come into our lives, and sometimes they leave and that's okay. You've given it a try; I think you should assume she got the first message and give her the courtesy of not pushing it.

[GoStanford]

I think it's brave of you to ask about this on the Forums and to be open to our responses, and I think it's a testimony to how much people value the community here.

Just my opinion, but if she's as connected on the Internet as it seems (Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram) then she knows how to find you if she wants to. Her radio silence might mean she isn't ready to revisit this event.

[ladyinblack1964]

Well, I would hope that after 28 years, she would not still be angry at me. I did end up sending a second message, and I'm just going to let it go at this point.

Regarding connectivity: I have a very unusual name, and one would think I'm the only person out there with it. But I just googled my name (using my maiden name only) and there is someone on YouTube with the same name! I never would have thought it. It's probably a nickname. My name is shortened from something long, ethnic and unspell-able.

[ladyinblack1964]

Update: she accepted my friend request on Facebook! 🙌

[marytattoo]

Update: she accepted my friend request on Facebook! 🙌

I'm very happy! Sometimes reconnecting after a time apart shows the growth on both sides. She is presumably secure in her marriage. So with both of you in new places, you can start fresh.

I sympathized with you because I had a friend with whom I was close. She called me a lot, and I helped her through a tough work situation. We met at coffee shops a few times a week to talk and study and journal. Then suddenly she quit speaking to me. We met as usual one day and then a few days later I saw her at Barnes/Noble (one of our meet-up places) and she was cold to me, and then I never saw her again. No reason. No return on phone calls. I have no clue what happened. I listened to her problems. Perhaps she didn't need me any longer, but she went from friend to stranger overnight and I don't know why. Not having closure is hard, and it's been 8 years.

[adalangdon]

I'm very happy for you. I don't have personal or other people's experiences to draw upon, but I sure thought it was worth a try. What harm would it do? It's hard enough to second-guess what the person across from you is thinking at times; all the more so the thoughts of someone whom you've just sent an online message to. She might have been angry, or she might have forgotten, or something else entirely-- there is simply no knowing unless she tells you. 30 years is a long, long time. Hope it works out!

[ladyinblack1964]

@marytattoo, I'm sorry for what happened with your friend. I have had similar situations, where I've asked the person "what did I do?" and they just wouldn't tell me. IMHO that isn't fair at all.

Thanks again, everyone, for listening. I had a very nice email from C last night, and I know we will have some catching up to do!

[luvdabags]

@marytattoo--i think (at the risk of sounding sexist-i am female, so i feel i can say this ) that this is a female issue. women do this to each other, and i think it comes from not wanting to deal with conflict. one person feels a wrong has been done, and stews on it, and then decides to end the relationship without giving the other the chance to explain herself.